“For this reason, since the day we heard it, we have not ceased praying for you and asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of God’s will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding…” (Colossians 1:9)
It’s not that I think “I’m all that!”, but recently I had a situation in which I thought I knew what the will of God was. It seemed so clear to me. I even thought that He had put me in a position a couple of years earlier to be His instrument now.
But I was wrong! That’s not how things played out. I wrestle with the confusion and the questions that came flooding into a sleepless night. As a friend of mine told me, there is difficulty moving from the “why” to the “what”, the transition from “why not me” to “what would you have me do now, Lord?” It requires, so to speak, some rearranging of the furniture…moving the couch from what I thought was the best spot to somewhere over to the side.
When disappointment invades the perfect picture that has been painted in your mind, it causes a person to rethink the journey. It seems that the steps have brought the individual to this point and then, suddenly, there is a detour that veers away. It’s like thinking you’re going to Las Vegas and then realizing it’s Las Vegas, New Mexico. The glitz of the city that never sleeps is transformed into the town where you may need to get a fuel fill-up…and go on.
When the answer is “Not me”, it is the natural reaction to question why you thought what didn’t happen was God’s will? Was it my ego that reshaped the scene? Did I think I was hearing what God wanted me to be about, but really, it was what I wanted His will to be? Did I rush ahead and not hear His no?
Most of us have experienced disappointments that are similar in nature. We’ve had the indigestion in the midst of the waiting and the numbness after becoming aware of the unexpected decision. It becomes a point of growth. Our spiritual maturity is often fertilized by the pain of disappointment. We draw close to the Lord as we endure some pruning of our excesses, our unnecessaries, and the subtle hints of entitlement. Like peeling an onion, we shed a few layers of our outer skin in order to get back to what is at our core.
Thirty years in the rearview mirror, I remember a search committee from another church contacting me about their open pastorate. They showed up on a Sunday at the worship service of the congregation I was pastoring. It looked like a good situation. Carol and I drove down to their community and met on a Friday night with the Search Committee. After the interview, one of the committee members made the verbal statement, “Why do we need to look any further? Here is our next pastor right here.” We drove back home thinking that God was going to be moving us.
But the committee had one more person to interview, and they went with him. I remember the disappointment in that situation, but then our congregation had its own period of maturity that developed new life and new intentionality in the ministries with our community. The other church experienced some serious struggles that I would not have been ready to help lead them through. In the midst of the situation, I was dealing with my lack of worth and confusion. It was only after getting some distance from the disappointment that I could focus more on the “What now, Lord?”
I’ll still be wrestling with this situation for a while. There are other factors involved with it that accentuate the pain. But I know, maybe even more, that the One Who created me will guide me and care for me.