Posted tagged ‘Aging’

Family Picture Boxes

April 24, 2014

WORDS FROM W.W.                                                 April 24, 2014

 

                                      

 

My dad is moving. He’s under a month now. The house sold in less than two weeks after he listed it with a realtor…a happening that caught him a little off-guard…kind of like when a young lady I went to college with said yes to a date proposal!

“You will?”

The quickness of the house selling suddenly changed the game plan. It’s the difference between reading War and Peace versus reading the Cliff Notes of War and Peace.

Yesterday we were going through boxes of family photos. It was entertaining and amusing. To see my dad as a curly red-haired two year old (Although his red hair doesn’t really stand out in the black-and-white photo. You rarely think of your parents as kids, especially when they are just shy of 86!

And then there was the picture of my mom in a swimsuit when she was about twenty. That’s another picture I’m not sure about. Mom looked great in a swimsuit…is that okay? A son kind of wants his mom just to look okay for some reason. Call it generational unrest.

Another box had old Christmas card pictures. My parents would put a picture of the three kids on a Christmas postcard each year. You can see the progression each year as we grew and became less cute. The growing attitudes of “This is no longer cool!” can be slightly seen as each year passed by.

There was a few pictures of my Helton grandparents- Mamaw and Papaw Helton. Papaw was a stoic-type Eastern Kentucky farmer, who measured success on the basis on crops, chickens, and good-looking hogs. Seeing the pictures brought back the echo of his voice.

“Loooorrrdddd, have mercy!”

It look him longer to say “Lord” than it did for Jesus to say “holy, holy, holy!”

There was pictures of Feds Creek School where my dad went to school, and Oil Springs High School where both he and my mom attended. It made me realize that I failed to take pictures of the schools I attended, most that no longer are standing! Years from now my kids will think I was home-schooled since there will be an absence of brick and mortar shots to tell stories about.

Pictures of my aunts and uncles through the years were revealing. Each of them shows the ticking of time on their faces, the sagging of their jaws, and gray in, or loss of, their hair. For some of my uncles age was not kind. Most of my aunts, however, had “good skin.”

There was a picture of our Siamese cat “Caesar.” He ruled the roost until he started urinating in the entryway of our house. Mom did not take kindly to a cat who got confused. “Cat dementia” led to an absence of cat.

Finally, there were pictures of former pastors, all with stories attached to the film. Pastor Zachary at Central Baptist Church in Winchester, Kentucky…a great pastor and, I’m assuming, preacher…although I was too young to know what a good preacher was. That was during the period when I was a little envious of the Methodist children. Baptists had Sunday night church, but the Methodist took care of all the spiritual hunger on Sunday morning. Bottom line! They got to watch Walt Disney on Sunday night while we were going at it for a second time at Central Baptist.

There was Pastor Gale Baldridge who was a great pastor with a servant’s heart. He wore brightly colored suits that someday will come back into style…shortly after leisure suits arrive again.

The boxes are full of memories and history. Since cell phones are now cameras I;m not sure how things will be years from now. Will the history be evident? Will there be a richness in that time when our kids help us pack up for the move?

I don’t know. No one talks about “Kodak Moments” much any more.

59 and 1/2!

November 5, 2013

WORDS FROM W.W.                                                       November 5, 2013

 

                                           “59…and 1/2”

 

Today I’m fifty-nine and a half years old!

No birthday cake is necessary…or half a cake… or a half-baked cake, for that matter!

I can officially take money out of my IRA today and not be taxed on it. I’m serious! Yesterday I would have had to pay a 10% penalty tax. Today I’m richer even though I have not intention of taking the money out of the IRA. After all, I’m getting…like 1/2 a percent interest! It makes me giddy just thinking about it. I can almost hear the pennies dripping into the fund like a slow leaking faucet.

I didn’t know it, but there is actually a web site called “Fiftynineandahalf.com”. Who would have “thunk it?”  I can get t-shirts and other items there to prove my “fifty-nine and a halfishness!”

On the negative side, my wife Carol is gone tonight, at a camp with a bunch of sixth graders. There goes the party for me I guess! I’m going to have to celebrate my milestone by myself.

I’ll probably go to bed early!

Have you ever come to one of those points that you can choose to go one direction or another? 59 and 1/2 is kind of like that. I can hobble off to feebleness or seek to make the last third of my life the best yet.

Since I’ve been blessed with pretty good health, I’m looking forward to this last third as the best. Sometimes people get to a point like this and question whether their life still has any purpose. Thankfully I’ve never doubted that my life has purpose. I’ve just questioned the setting for where the purpose is pursued. I pastor, I coach, I write, I laugh, I mentor, I listen. All of those are part of my purpose being realized.

So I’m going to forego the t-shirt proclaiming my milestone event, and just walk forward into God’s future.

I’m not sure what that means, but it sounds like something a fifty-nine and a half year old would say.

 

Feeding Mom

April 16, 2012

WORDS FROM W.W.                                                                    April 16, 2012

 

Parents treasure many different experiences with their kids. Taking them for an unplanned ice cream cone…school class field trips to the zoo…teaching the son how to properly tie a necktie.

The heart memories differ with each parent, and with each child of the parent.

When it comes to the final days of one of your parents there is a whole new collection of shared experiences that are valued, although painful.

I’m back in Ohio for a couple of weeks to spend time with my mom and dad. My mom is pretty much confined to her bed. Yesterday she was up in her wheelchair for three hours, which was the only time she had been out of bed since the previous Sunday. She has a form of Parkinson’s that has gradually eroded her mental functioning, verbalizing, and comprehension.

There is no “getting over it” in this lifetime. It isn’t a virus bug that a pill and rest can take care of.

It just is!

There isn’t much I can do, just be. One thing, however, that I do is feed Mom dinner each night. She has lost the use of her hands, so I scoot the broccoli on to the fork (Always with a bit of ranch dressing on top of it! Wait a minute! We never got ranch dressing for our broccoli!) I coax her into taking a drink  of juice with a straw. I spear a cut-up piece of chicken breast and hope that she will bite it off of the fork.

But something else precious and extraordinary has been happening as I feed Mom dinner. I’ve been going back and retelling her stories from the past, from when we lived beside Lexington Road in Winchester, Kentucky, and we had friend chicken one night. I said to Dad, “That was good fried chicken, Daddy!”

I’m glad you liked it, and now I can tell you that it wasn’t fried chicken.”

It wasn’t! It tasted like fried chicken. What was it…a turkey with short legs?”

Rabbit!”

My mind: “Fluffy!”

It takes Mom about an hour to eat dinner eat night, so we relive a lot of the old experiences.

Mom, remember when we had a dog? What was his name? Buster?

She every so slightly shakes her head no. I’m sure his name was Buster.

Remember when Dad would turn Buster over on his back and slide him across the kitchen linoleum floor? And then Buster would get back on his feet and come back for more.”

A blank look. Later on that evening when I ask Dad if the dog’s name was Buster he tells me “No, it was Butch!”

Mom knew, although she couldn’t verbalize it.

Each fork of food is ripe with some other discovery.

Remember when Mamaw and Papaw would take us kids on a summer evening in the back of his truck to the place down the road that served ice cream cones?”

Two eyes gaze at me for several moments, but… nothing.

What was the name of that place? Salyer’s?”

The slight nod of correction again. The name goes undiscovered until I talk to my dad later, but…as my mom’s nod of no indicated, it wasn’t Salyer’s.

There are even special touches of God upon our lives in the acts that we would prefer to never have to do. There are blessings from him even in the midst of the parts of life that we dread. As my mom slowly loses ground there are moments of connection and conversation that will stand out for the rest of my life.

I often read Romans 8:26-28 with a grimace. Feeding Mom has given me a glimpse of a new meaning in the same words. In The Message its rendered “Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.”

With an ache in my heart, but a longing in my soul, I look forward to what we’ll recall tonight. Perhaps it will deal with beets and turnips, or bow ties, or the time she caught me sneaking back from a place that she had specifically forbidden me to go. If I go “there”, I’m wondering if I’ll get the raised eyebrows look that let’s me know she remembers!

The Graying of the Matter

April 12, 2012

WORDS FROM W.W. April 12, 2012

There is no easy way to growing older. We can talk about getting wiser, but the arthritis often dulls our sense of sharpness. We can talk about maturity, but the increase in the number of pill bottles in our medicine cabinet seems to go with it. We can talk about the glory days of retirement, but the “getting re-tired” every day is a footnote to that page of our life.
And then there is the struggle associated with seeing your parents in the winter of their lives. I’m back in Ohio for a couple of weeks visiting my mom and dad. My mom spent the past five months in a full care center, until my Dad decided he was going to bring her back home and have home health care nurses come each day to provide six to eight hours of care. He and my sister are filling in the gaps. It’s costly, and has its hard moments, but Dad seems to be much happier that his soul mate is back with him at home.
My mom has a form of Parkinson’s that significantly reduces her ability to communicate and to comprehend. This morning she asked me where I stayed last night. I told her the guest bedroom, and she responded “Where’s that at?”
But at other times she seems to mostly understand what is going on!
It is a tough part of many tough elements in the aging process. She is partially with it and partially not with it. Each question…each conversation…each facial expression…carries with it the question…”Is she aware or not aware?”
My mom still gives me “the look”, the look that makes me search back over what I’ve said like a kid who has just unknowingly spilled the beans about a transgression he thought would never have to be revealed. But now “the look” is filled with confusion and disconnection.
In many ways it would be easier if Mom was totally not there or totally there. There would be no guessing and uncertainty. Each moment would be pre-defined.
Her “graying” brings pauses in the conversation. I’m asking myself “Did she understand? Is she searching for a response?”
I noticed during my last visit in December that a couple of the nurses erroneously thought that she had a hearing problem. My mom’s hearing is 20/20! I know that’s a vision calculation, but that’s the best way I can let you know that she hears everything…even when you’re whispering. With the nurses her lack of giving a timely answer was simply due to her trying to connect the dots in her mind.
While I’m here I’m sure that I will have some good, but brief, glimpses of conversation with her, but also some awkward pauses. The awkward pauses will bring me back to my childhood moments when it was best to not say anything and just listen.
And I’ll treasure the moments…the grayness…the uncertainty!

Becoming Senior Menu Eligible

April 29, 2009

A new day is dawning! I’m not sure whether to welcome it or dread it, but it’s coming either way.
On Cinco de Mayo I reach 55! I will now become eligible to order off of the senior menu at a number of restaurants. It is the section that, for the past several decades, I have raced by in my decisions of what to have for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. It’s the section that does not feature cheeseburgers, southern fried chicken, or a slab of ribs smothered in sweet honey barbecue sauce. No bottomless pasta bowl offers are on it.
I haven’t looked that closely yet, but I don’t believe it has a dessert section in it. I figure that the restaurants assume that extra green beans on the dinner plate are preferable to extra hot fudge on the sundae. It’s the senior version of being given the TV remote control, told you can watch whatever you want, and then discovering there are only two channels. It’s guided freedom.
It has, instead, featured the equivalent of a “No Trespassing” sign at it’s heading by simply saying “55 and Over Menu.”
For some reason I’m not feeling the same way I did when I discovered I was tall enough to finally ride the “Scrambler” at the amusement park. Being able to order a special serving size of liver and onions does not prompt me to begin salivating.
I wonder if the server will check my ID the first time I attempt to get the “turkey roll.”
“Sir, that part of the menu is for those 55 and older.”
“I am! See.”
“Well, I guess you are! Well…you look very well preserved for your age!”
Life is filled with milestones. Sometimes they are welcomed and sometimes they are dreaded. The birth of my grandson was welcomed. My first root canal was dreaded. Both were experienced—celebrated or endured—and both taught me. The first about the celebration of new life and the joy it brings; and the second about flossing better in the future.
“Becoming Senior Menu eligible” reminds me that I’m not getting any younger; that even as I press on towards the purpose God has for my life, and fulfilling the potential He has gifted me with, I am faced with the changes and challenges of growing older. I will not stop pressing towards fulfilling my purpose, but I will survey the path a little more carefully.
A few years ago I was training to run the Pike’s Peak Ascent race, a 13.2 mile run to the top of the mountain, for insane people. I would train by going over to Barr Trail, the trail that is also used for the race, and running usually four to five miles up. When I did that I would, of course, have to turn around and run back down. Running down is harder on you physically than running up because of the pounding your ankles and knees take. The first couple of times I ran down I stumbled several times on tree roots sticking out, or rocky places that one of my feet would clip as I went over it. After a while I discovered that running down wasn’t about how fast I could get back down to the bottom, but rather “how fast I could get back down to the bottom safely.” I found out from experience that there were certain spots to slow down at, or certain places where it was better to pass to on the right side of the trail rather than the middle.
Hitting 55 is like a “life point” where you, hopefully, have become a little wiser, a little slower, a little more limited, but also a little clearer on the direction you’re heading in.
55 on 5/5!
“Waiter, waiter! Liver and onions for everybody!”