Archive for the ‘Humor’ category

Pastor As Visitor

September 3, 2012

WORDS FROM W.W.                                                                    September 3, 2012

I finished the first week of a two week study leave yesterday. One of the weird things about being on a study leave is that I’m supposed to keep my distance from my congregation. My spiritual shepherds have told me that, and I’ve tried to adhere to it as much as I can, but it’s difficult. (Although I’m sitting in my office at church as I write this since it’s Labor Day and the building is quiet today.)

Yesterday I went to the early service of a large Presbyterian church here in town. One of the things I look to do on the few Sundays I’m not worshiping in my congregation is to worship in other churches, to be able to receive, as well as evaluate, from other pastors and bodies of believers. Since I pastor a small congregation I have to always keep in mind that mega-church life is not who we are, or who we will be. But in the midst of that realization that things in Jerusalem are different than things in Nazareth there are hints of the same story being written.

Ninety-five percent of small church pastors would probably tell you that they would like to pastor a mega-church. I think the percentage of mega-church pastors who would like to pastor a mega-church might be somewhat less than that. As they say, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence…but cows on both sides leave dung!

I slipped into the next to last row…like a typical Baptist…and surveyed the congregation. The early service at this church was a mostly senior crowd- the kind that will stampede Village Inn for breakfast right after church. The choir was magnificent…a hundred strong! They were accompanied by a piano, bass guitar, trumpet, trombone, and percussion. During the service they led the congregation in the singing of four praise choruses and two hymns. On one of the praise choruses they managed to get the congregation to join in clapping in rhythm for almost twenty seconds before hands once again dropped and the choir left it alone.

It was a familiar scene.

The Senior Pastor did the children’s story. Being a senior crowd he had about a dozen kids up front for it out of the eight hundred or so present. Once again, it was a familiar scene. He had one young boy who was always on the verge of breaking out of the corral, ready to take center stage. The pastor, being a pretty perceptive guy, was always one step ahead of him. It taught me something. There are some children’s stories I do where it seems like I’ve got the rope on the steer, but am being dragged behind trying to get control.

One of the associate pastors read the gospel reading for the morning and in referring to Jesus going out into the desert for forty days misread Mark 1:13. He switched two words that gave it a much different meaning. “He (Jesus) was with the wild angels, and animals attended him.”

Since the scripture was being projected on the front walls people snickered a little bit at his mistake.

It was  a familiar scene. It brought back memories of when I was a seminary student on staff at a large Presbyterian church in the Chicago area. One Sunday I was assisting in the worship service and mixed up two things during the prayer time. “And we celebrate with Kathy Smith on the death of her mother!”

If you want to get people’s attention just majorly screw up!

The Senior Pastor had an excellent message talking about John the Baptist. The service was being streamed into a few retirement facilities around the area, plus, for some reason, a place in Minnesota. About two-thirds of the way through the message the cell phone of the eighty year old lady sitting three feet away from me started ringing in her purse. She reacted quickly, picking up her purse, unzipping it, sorting through a multitude of items inside until she found the cell phone. But instead of hitting mute, or turning it off, she proceeded to answer it and have a two minute conversation. After an uncomfortable two minutes- during which time I missed the pastor’s second sermon point- she finally said, “Well, Mabel, I’m in church…”

It was a familiar scene.

What I took away from the experience was a great message (what I heard) from the pastor, a well-crafted order of worship, a congregation that is serving the city in significant ways, and a time to reflect, renew, and receive.

Every church, small and large, has it’s warts and it’s beauty marks. Jesus doesn’t look for perfection in performance, but rather authenticity in our yearning for the presence of God.

Persistent Pray-ers and Adult Whiners

August 31, 2012

WORDS FROM W.W.                                                                      August 31, 2012

 

And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’”  (Luke 18:3, NIV)

 

Recently I was on the sidelines for a game that my middle school football team was playing. This year we have fifty boys on the seventh grade team, and, as I stated in an earlier posting, I made the decision to dress all the players for our games. We needed an extended bus to get them all to the field!

One boy, who I will call Sonny, is not a very good player, but he is a persistent player! He persistently followed me up and down the sideline the whole game. His persistent following was accompanied by persistent talking. It would sound something like this:

Coach, do you want me to play outside linebacker next time?”

Coach, I can go in.”

Coach, I can play inside linebacker.”

Coach, if is okay if I go in the next time we’re on defense?”

Coach, I’m right here whenever you need me.”

He was driving me crazy! I would have to call out the names of other boys on the team- “Wilson…Wilson…Wilson…go in for Jones at safety.” But I never had to yell for Sonny…because Sonny was always there.

Finally I gave in! “Sonny, go in for Smith at Outside Linebacker.” I got a few moments of peace and quiet for the couple of plays that Sonny was in.

I admired his persistence even though it was a little irritating.

Contrast that with a recent basketball officiating assignment I had at the fitness center less than a mile from our house. I’ve been blowing the whistle there about two nights each month during this basketball off-season. The league that I officiate for I refer to in less than affectionate terms as The Adult Whiners League.”

There are a number of really good guys in the league, but there are also the ones that I would like to post pictures of on the post office wall. Some of them used to be great players…emphasize used to be! They still remember what their bodies have long forgotten. They still dream of the slam dunk they had in high school as they now stay earth-bound.

And guess what? They bring their level of play down to an even lower notch with consistent whining. Whereas a persistent twelve year old football player can get me to give in, a thirty-five year old overweight balding man in Nike shoes and slumping tattoos, does not get my sympathy. In fact, at best he gets a deaf ear, and at worst my two hands coming together in the shape of the letter “t”.

I thought about the contrast this week. When we pray do we whine to God about the unfairness of life, or do you beseech his mercy?

When we pray do we demand that he see it our way, or do ask him to help us in the midst of a difficult period in our life?

Persistently praying or consistently whining?

58 and Cute!

August 30, 2012

WORDS FROM W.W.                                                                        August 30, 2012

 

58 and Cute!”

 

I had an interesting experience yesterday. I was in the speedy-no time to waste-self-checkout at King Soopers. As I was scanning my items an elderly lady who had been at the self-checkout right behind me finished her order and was starting to exit, but she stopped and touched me on the arm and said “You’re cute!”

Yes, she was in her late seventies, probably about five fingers away from my mom and dad, who are both 84.

I smiled at her and replied, “Thank you! I guess it’s not often that a fifty-eight year old gets told he’s cute!”

Well, you are! I know! I had five sons, and you’re cute!”

Okay! I’ll admit it! It pretty much made my day. Now…I have to give some of the credit to my oldest daughter, Kecia, because I was wearing the dress shirt that she had bought me for my birthday.

I had just come from the funeral of one of our neighbors, so a comment such as that lifted my spirits.

Two words. Isn’t it amazing how two words from a senior citizen at just the right moment can turn around a day?       The reality, however, is that the balance of two word comments are either negative in tone, or meaningless in content.

Love you!” gets outdone by “Hate you!” or some other verb in front of “you!”

Our word selection can bring hope or divide and separate. With the same tongue we praise God and curse men. (James 3:9) With the same tongue we affirm and defeat.

One disclaimer! I walked into Starbucks this morning and got a cup of coffee (Not unusual. In fact, I’m sitting in Starbucks right now drinking the coffee and listening to Spotify.) The employee preparing drinks asked me, “How is your day going?” I replied “Pretty good! How about yours?”

But by the tenth person in a row she asked the question to I realized she was following “the party line.” The answer to her question wasn’t really what she was looking for. She was seeking a quota. How many customers can I say this to?

That’s not all bad, except when you have the impression she wants to know how your day is going and then you find out she really doesn’t…it’s just a little too “fakey!”

Genuineness in our words puts a fragrance within them!

Meanwhile, if a sweet elderly lady comes up to you and tells you that you’re cute…I don’t want to know about it. I’ve whether live in the fantasy world, at least for a while, that I’m the only one.

Jesus Fan

August 29, 2012

WORDS FROM W.W.                                                                              August 29, 2012

 

Thanks to a local funeral home we now have “Jesus Fans” in our sanctuary! No, not the ceiling fan variety; I’m talking about the fan that has a picture of Jesus standing in front of the open tomb on one side, and the name of the funeral home on the other side with a long wooden paint stir stick in the middle.

The kind that was popular back when I was in my pre-teens in the un-airconditioned Baptist churches of eastern Kentucky. Everyone needed a fan in July and August because of the Sunday morning humidity that left you always wondering “Is it the Spirit or the humidity that is bringing upon me this rise in body temperature.

Most of the time it was the humidity! Thus, Jesus commenced to waving. On the hand fan one of his hands was in the air like he was greeting someone. It made the waving part of the fan that much more relevant.

Some Sundays the Jesus Fans were the only thing moving in the church. Jesus Fans could be non-verbal indicators of what was happening during the pastor’s message. When the fans went to warp speed it was a sign that there was going to be a lot of discussion and dialogue after the benediction. Fans working at increased speed usually meant the pastor had offended someone, or that he had touched on an area that was bringing the waver under conviction. It happened, however, to usually be someone who didn’t like being brought under conviction.

Hot and bothered would describe them. They might show up at the Presbyterian Church the next Sunday. The Presbyterians didn’t have much conviction, but they did have ceiling fans.

A fan that was on “slowing speed” was a sign to the perceptive preacher that he was losing them. The Sunday afternoon nap might be coming sooner if he didn’t pick up the pace. A guest speaker with a slow delivery in August was no match for a congregation of farmers who had been at it all week. A waving Jesus was always better than a Jesus who was starting to look as ambitious as Junior on “Hee Haw!”

Back in those days “Jesus Fans” weren’t just for women having hot flashes. Everyone had “hot constants!” We were consistently hot.

So now we have air conditioned sanctuaries and everyone can cool together. Jesus Fans seemed to raise the connectedness between pastor and congregation. They seemed to help people engage in worship more. I even think there were more “amens” when Jesus was in the midst of his waving. And, without a doubt, when you had Jesus right in front of you it made you a little more God-fearing. Having the name of the local funeral home staring you in the face was also a motivator.

Brown’s Funeral Home. We have a casket for you!”

Cremation wasn’t a big seller back in those days. When you are burning up every Sunday being laid down in the cool ground is a little more appealing.

I think I’m going to turn up the A/C temperature in our sanctuary this Sunday and put a couple of Jesus Fans in each pew rack.

Let the Spirit move…and Jesus wave!

The Confusion of Language

July 30, 2012

WORDS FROM W.W.                                                                July 30, 2012

The Confusion of Language”

Carol and I are hosting two twelve year old Chinese boys for a week. It’s an organization that matches up host families with the students who are in our area to study the English language, as well as experience American culture. The experience has been…an experience! The boys are very polite, and to help us they’ve been given American names while they are here. Thus, we are hosting “Alan” and “Andy.” Those names are a far cry from their real Chinese names.

Quite often I’ll say something to them, and the response I receive is two confused looks. For instance, how do you explain to a twelve year old Chinese boy that we are having a garage sale? How do you explain garage sales anyway?

How do you explain “Sonic Drive-Ins?” How do you explain “grits?”

How do you explain worship to boys who aren’t familiar with the concept? Since they are learning English the sermon slides on the screen in the front of the sanctuary are a little…advanced! I’m saying one thing, plus the words on the screen are saying something else.

If I was a 58 year old in a Chinese marketplace I might run for my life!

So Carol and I took the easy way out last night. We took them to a Chinese restaurant where the owner speaks Chinese. They had a great conversation. We felt temporarily relieved. The owner did share with us that the boys wanted more rice. I said, “Great! Bring them another bowl!” She replied, “No, I mean they want more rice…everyday!” We quickly scratched mashed potatoes off the dinner menu for the next night and penciled in rice.

I offered yogurt to them for breakfast and they curled up their noses like I was offering possum. Of course, Carol also frowns at me if I offer her yogurt.

We also discovered an app for our iPhones where we can speak a sentence in English and then it will be translated into the written Chinese language. We show the translation to them and are greeted with nods and replies.

So many challenges, so many stories in the making.

It has made me think about my own prayer language. Although I pray there are times in my journey where I tend to think that others will do it. Kind of like yielding the owner of the restaurant to do the conversing…it just seems like it’s the responsibility of someone else. Or perhaps, someone else can do it better so I willingly hand off the duty.

Also, although God knows exactly what I’m saying to him, there are a multitude of times where he is speaking to me, but I’m not hearing him. I’m just not getting it! Sometimes I just don’t want to get it! It’s easier to remain confused! It’s more convenient to only hear certain things being said, to stay within certain language boundaries.

So I’m thankful for Andy and Alan. They’ve taught me a lot even though quite often we miss the connection.

Reflections of a Middle School Camp Pastor, Day 4

July 19, 2012

I brought my bright blue pair of Nike running shoes to camp this year. For some reason, outlandishness makes you seem…okay to them! If I wore a bright orange tee shirt that said “I’ll shave my head for a quarter”, I’d probably feel normal. For some reason at camp craziness kind of has you going with the flow. It also makes you an acceptable person to talk about questions of faith, and doubts about God. A conversation I had with one of the campers today followed along those lines. She saw my shoes and let me into the inner circle of sitting at her lunch table…and then she said, “Would another one of the counselors tell their story tonight? I really liked it when Andy shared his story at campfire last night, and also when Julia shared hers the night before. It was good!” I nodded, and then I asked her, “Do you have a story to share?” “No. I don’t really feel that God is close to me.” I pursued it a little bit, without any “theologizing”, or “here’s what’s wrong with you.” “When I’m having a problem, or feeling lonely and I pray to him I just don’t feel that he hears me. It never seems to help.” I nodded again and encouraged her to say more. “I just don’t pray much anymore, because I don’t know if God really cares. It just feels like he’s always so far away.” And then she looked at me and said, “Okay! Staring contest. First one to smile or look away loses.” Yes, I know, that’s pretty random, but that’s how it is with middle school students quite often. A glimpse of their thoughts about God, and then to a staring contest. The young lady, like many others here, are at a time in their life when a relationship with God, or lack of a relationship with God, is often described in “feeling terms.” They may have had all the Sunday School answers, and know Biblical facts. And now they are in a transitioning phase when their emotions are going bonkers. She hasn’t sensed God wrapping his arms around her so does God really care? It’s a pivotal point in faith development. Can I doubt God and not be struck by lightning. Well quite frankly, the disciples of Jesus did. Tucked neatly right after Jesus’ resurrection from the dead and before his great commission at the end of Matthew, there is a verse that says when the disciples “…saw him, they worshiped him, but some doubted.” (Matthew 28:17) If doubting and asking the why questions is something the disciples of Jesus dealt with, I think it’s a safe bet that a middle school student will deal with it. The question…another one…is whether or not the adults are willing to let the doubts be expressed and grappled with?

Reflections of a Middle School Camp Pastor, Day 3

July 18, 2012

WORDS FROM W.W.                                                                        July 18, 2012

 

Mid-week with middle school students is a trip! They’ve come to the point where they are sometimes bluntly open with you, or humorously entertaining..even though they aren’t quiet aware of it.

For example, here is a sampling of conversations I have had at the meal time table with some middle school students. Let me qualify this with two statements. This is not verbatim, but also there is not necessarily a flow to the conversation. The lack of flow is part of the fascination I experience in working with middle schoolers.

ME: So what has been the best thing about this week so far?

Going to the nurse Sunday night! We talked about Harry Potter for like ninety minutes.”

Harry Potter is cool. Some people don’t like Harry Potter, but I love him!”

Like that one song we made up about him!”

I love that song.” (Starts singing it.)

I can’t remember that one verse we made up.”

Isn’t Bobby good on the guitar?”

Yes, and he takes his shoes off.”

I got a new pair last week at Target.”

Shoes?”

No, socks.”

I saw the greatest pair of socks at basketball camp last month. They were Superman socks, with like a little Superman cape on the back of each one.”

Oh…have you seen the Spiderman movie?”

No, but there was a spider above my head in the cabin last night. Freaked me out.”

Do you think God created spiders?”

Why would he?”

Spiders are scary. I hate things that creep around in the dark when I can;t see them.”

Do you think God can see spiders in the dark?”

Probably. I think God sees everything.”

He doesn’t need a flashlight. His eyes are like headlights.”

No they aren’t!”

Then how does he see things in the dark.”

He just does, because he’s God.”

Oh! You know something? I hate peas!”

Amen to that! Especially when my parents mix them in with carrots.”

I don’t understand why God gave us peas!”

Some things are just unexplainable.”

That’s for sure! Pass the salt please!”

Reflections of a Middle School Camp Pastor, Day 1

July 16, 2012

WORDS FROM W.W. July 16, 2012

 

Less than twenty-four hours in to six days as pastor of our Region’s middle school camp, and I’ve already climbed a mountain! My knees are telling me it was a fourteenth, but actually it was only about two thousand feet from 8,000 to 10,000. I’ve been coaching my knees to stop the whining with words shaped like Motrin, and cold stares shaped like cold packs.
The mountain is called Soldier’s peak, and we climb it every year on the Monday of camp week. Today I used the experience to talk about the encouragement of the saints, the great cloud of witnesses that Hebrews 12:1-2 brings to our mind. Before the climb began I told the campers that some of them would scale it like squirrels climbing trees, but others would look at it as an impossible venture doomed to failure. I told them that it would take “all of us” to make sure that “all of us” finished…made it…stood as a group, a team, on top.
The summit included a mixture of reactions. Some stood at the top and encouraged. They applauded and high-fived the ones who struggled, but finally finished. One young lady from our church, told me “I feel like I accomplished something!” Her smile encircled the mouthful of orthodontic “gold.”
Others, lost interest in the late arrivers and became self-focused and absorbed with life as it revolved around “the universe of me.”
If it weren’t for coaches climbing with some of the young journeyers around the midway point of the trip, the summit would not have happened. If it weren’t for people willing to share a drink of water with a resting pursuer leaned up against a tree, some would have given up the cause. If it weren’t for the element of perseverance, several would have gone down the pathway of “What’s the use?”
Different people complete the journey in different ways. Slow starters, steady pacers, fast finishers…our group was diverse.
And we made it!
It’s a picture of the church, a group of journeyers, many who stay on course for the whole experience, and some who stay on course as long as they’re a part of it. Some are more self-sufficient, and can make the climb mostly alone without help. Others need constant encouragement just to make it another step…another day.
When I think of the church, quite honestly, I can probably make a longer list of minuses and shortcomings than the list of positives and strengths.
And yet the church is the band of brothers that seek to go the distance. It is the sisterhood of seeking that desires to go higher up even as it is dealing with the loose footing in the present.
I won’t share all of that with my middle schoolers, but I will reaffirm again and again tonight as we gather “Well done! Well done! Great job! You finished! You finished!”

Hybrid Faith

May 25, 2012

WORDS FROM W.W. May 25, 2012

 

I’ve driven a Civic Hybrid for the last few years. It’s a unique car. One young man, who is funnier than all get out always tells me, “Pastor Bill isn’t part of the problem. He’s part of the solution!”
Environmentally speaking.
People ask me how a hybrid car works and I tell them, “I don’t know.” It somehow switches back and forth from battery to gas and back again. I just drive it, and thank God every time I stop to put gas in it and see the other vehicles there consuming the family food allowance for the week.
So, as far as I understand it, the hybrid car combines those two forms of powering the car in some safe way that keeps it from exploding. And, as you may have noticed, more auto makers are churning out more hybrid models. A hybrid is becoming mainstream, not just some weird looking Prius that looks like someone cut the back end off with a buzz saw! By the way, a Prius is simply an AMC Gremlin with a new hairdo! If you don’t know what a Gremlin was…Google it!
Hybrid mainstreaming.
There is a mainstreaming happening in the faith arena also of “hybrid faith.” Hybrid faith is a combination of different beliefs and opinions and comfortable ideas that define a person’s faith journey. It’s spicy Italian food with twelves different herbs and spices- a pinch of this, a dab of that!
Hybrid faith is fueled by truth…as the person views it. If I’m a negative-minded person I might blend more Old Testament judgment into how I journey. If I’m more works-oriented I might blend in more of my beliefs from Rotarian community service. If I’m contemplative I might mix a little of the “Desert Fathers” in with some Transcendental Meditation and Buddhist prayer.
In other words, what powers my life gets determined by…me!
The result is that each individual is driving the vehicle for their faith. Absolute truth is what I determine it is.
Just as hybrid cars are getting a foothold now in auto sales, hybrid faith is getting a larger share of the market in the faith community. A Biblical faith is about as easy to find as an Oldsmobile.
Granted interpretation of Scripture needs some grace and flexibility. God is neither Democrat nor Republican, but you would never know it in talking to some believers. Whether one drinks alcohol or abstains from it can be supported with different opinions in different places for different reasons. What is worship is defined by one person one way and another person in a completely different way.
That is what makes hybrid faith a slippery critter to lasso. Defining it is difficult to do because, whether we want to confess it not, our picture of what it is includes our own faith journey experience. It becomes a “snipe” that is hunted, but never really found. The difference is that hybrid faith is there, and growing like the exhaust smoke trailing a ’66’ Chrysler Newport.

Old Voices With New Sound

May 9, 2012

WORDS FROM W.W.                                                                   May 9, 2012

 

One of my closest friends in ministry is Tom Bayes. He, Chuck Moore, and I (Wolfe) met together for lunch every other Thursday for several years when we were all pastoring churches in the Lansing, Michigan area. We referred to ourselves as “The BMW Lunch Group” (Bayes, Moore, Wolfe).

Tom has a little southern twang to his voice that is distinctive. He and I were roommates on the first trip to Israel that both of us were on. He harassed me in humorous ways about the fact that I was only bringing back a pack of caramel candies to my wife from the Holy Land.

Tom and I talked on the phone about three weeks ago for a solid hour. He sounded like…Tom!

Last week I got a call on him that I couldn’t answer at the time, so I called him back a while later. The voice on the other end wasn’t Tom. It sounded like an 80 year old cowboy sitting around a campfire eating beans and chewing tobacco. It wasn’t his voice.

He asked me how I was doing.

“Fine…do you know who you are talking to?”

“Sure…Bill Wolfe.”

“And this is Tom Bayes?”

“Yes.”

“Tom Bayes in Illinois.”

Chuckle. “Yes.”

“Man, it just doesn’t sound like you.”

Our conversation went on. He was telling me a couple things about his wife, Diane. But it felt uncomfortable, because I know Tom’s voice and this didn’t sound like him. Finally, after just a few minutes I made some excuse about needing to be some place, and we ended the conversation.

The thing is, it was Tom. The problem, or the change agent if you will, was Verizon or AT&T. The connection made him sound different. I was used to him just sounding one way. (Of course, I never thought about the possibility that he sounded the same. It was my hearing that had changed.)

As people of God our hearing is often tuned in to a spiritual monotone voice. We can only hear one thing, one note, one voice, one way. One is a number that is used in Scripture quite often to talk about unity, focus, purpose, and wholeness, but we often play it out by thinking that the voice of God gets heard in only one way. When the voice is different than what we’ve been accustomed to it becomes just a little bit too weird.

In Scripture, Abraham heard from three visitors, Moses from a bush that was blazing, Balaam from his mode of transportation, Mary from an angel, Joseph from an angel in a dream, Elijah from a gentle whisper. The way God communicates his message is always truth, but in a multitude of forms.

Can we hear in new ways?

I’ll admit that it was tough to hear my old friend Tom with a new voice. Spiritually speaking, however, I believe you can teach and old church how to hear in new ways.