Archive for the ‘Humor’ category
March 10, 2016
WORDS FROM W.W. March 10, 2016
This morning I read the story of Balaam in Numbers 22-24. Let’s be honest! It’s a weird story! Balaam had a reputation. Those he blessed were blessed, and those he cursed were cursed. As this story goes, Balak, king of Moab, wants Balaam to come and curse the Israelites.
Balaam inquires of the Lord, who tells him “No go!”
But then Balak sends a more distinguished group of emissaries to ask Balaam once again to come and curse the Israelites. This time God says “Okay!”
Balaam saddles up his donkey to head on the journey to where Balak is, but God gets angry (Numbers 22:21) and his angel appears in the road with a sword ready to kill Balaam. The donkey veers to the side, and, in so doing, saves Balaam’s life.
This happens three times, and each time Balaam beat his ass! What he can’t see, his donkey sees clearly.
After the third time, and the third beating, the scripture says that God gave speech to the donkey (Numbers 22:28).
And then Balaam starts talking to the ass!
Over the years I’ve talked on a daily basis to the cats we’ve had as pets. I’m also prone to talk to the drivers of cars that cut in front of me even though my windows are closed. In each of those situations, however, I don’t expect dialogue with the one I’m talking to.
With Balaam the story never hints that he is surprised that his trusted means of transportation is having a heated conversation with him. It’s a story with two asses, one by nature, and the other as a result of actions and bone-headed decisions.
It’s Mr. Ed before his time!
And then God opens Balaam’s eyes to see what his trusted donkey had been seeing, and Balaam realizes, pardon the phrase, that his ass had saved his ass!
Like I said, it’s a weird story, but there are a lot of things that each one of us do that also don’t make sense!
Categories: Bible, Christianity, Faith, Freedom, Humor, Pastor, Story, Uncategorized, Youth
Tags: angel of the Lord, ass, Balaam, Balak, donkey, Numbers 22. The Book of Numbers, prophet, scripture
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March 5, 2016
WORDS FROM W.W. March 5, 2016
I’m preaching on grace tomorrow morning, perhaps my favorite subject to dwell upon. We sing an abundance of songs about it…”Amazing Grace”…”Wonderful Grace of Jesus”…Matt Maher’s recent song “Your Grace is Enough”, and Michael W. Smith’s song simply entitled “Grace.”
Grace seems to be a dominant theme pattern in song writers.
And yet in other aspects of our culture, and in the churches that sing about grace, it is given lip service, but rarely put into action and decisions.
Perhaps I’m becoming cynical as I age, but I’ve been at a lot of basketball games lately. I’ve witnessed too many spectators, mostly parents, who are verbally abusive and grace-less. Some may say that it’s simply because I’m talking about a sporting event, and grace is not a part of sports.
I wholeheartedly disagree. Years ago I coached a junior high boy’s basketball team in a Saturday morning church basketball league. Let me just say this! We were several points short of pitiful! My best player, Jimmy Michaels, broke his wrist in the first game of the season. The team instantly went from being short to shorter and short on talent. The boys had matching jerseys and they all had their shoes tied properly, but every Saturday that was as good as it got.
50-5…43-6…39-4…every Saturday morning the score was more resembling of a lock combination than a competitive basketball game.
And then we played Bethlehem Lutheran Church one Saturday. Their Associate Pastor, a guy named Noel Niemann, knew we were a team that was excited about the opportunity to play while being short on talent, and he told his team to play a zone defense that morning where everyone played inside the paint. In effect he was saying we’re going to let the boys of First Baptist shoot and help them score a few points.
Going into that game my goal for the season was to have the team score in double figures in at least one game. It hadn’t happened yet, but that day, thanks to some grace-laced defense, we scored 12! Twelve points! The boys were ecstatic! The final score was 36-12, but if Coach Noel had wanted to he could have geld us scoreless.
We didn’t earn that gift. It was freely given to us, and I’ll never forget that, even though it’s been thirty-five years since it happened.
Grace is helping someone up when there is no advantage to doing so.
And you know, it’s something that needs to be seen in our churches today, not just sung about!
Categories: Bible, children, Christianity, Grace, Humor, Jesus, Parenting, Pastor, Story, Teamwork, The Church, Uncategorized, Youth
Tags: Amazing Grace, Basketball, Bethlehem Lutheran Church, grace-less, Matt Maher, Michael W. Smith, Noel Niemann, Wonderful Grace of Jesus, YMCA basketball, Your Grace is Enough
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March 4, 2016
WORDS FROM W.W. March 4, 2016
This past month I have been going through the application process to be a substitute teacher here in Colorado. Your first question might be “Why?” My response, besides the fact that Walmart wasn’t hiring any new store greeters, would be “Why not?” I enjoy being around young people, and I get tired of hearing people say “Act your age!” At my age I’ve got one foot heading towards a tombstone!
The process, however, has been an exercise in frustration. It’s like an ongoing visit to the DMV, something very few of us list as one of our pleasurable activities. On the Colorado Department of Education application it seems I was asked about five times whether or not I’ve committed a felony. By the fifth time I was starting to think that I had…kind of like when my mom would keep asking me “Are you sure you didn’t do that?” I’m sure at some time through the process I confessed to her that I had committed some offense that my brother, Charlie, had really done.
In my application process I’ve struggled with new technology that I didn’t have to worry about when I applied for a summer job at Rollyson Aluminum Products back in 1973. How do I scan a document? How can I attach something to an on-line application without staples or paper clips? Why do I have to be reminded of the sad state of my first year college grades?
A friend of mine suggested that the torture of the process is God’s way of telling me that there is unconfessed sin in my life, and that I should repent…and then become a pastor again! I failed to connect the dots of his reasoning, but it did make me think of the Christian exalting of the ability to persevere. The Apostle Paul wrote in Romans 5:3-4 that “…we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” In James it says to “Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:4)
So the question is how does one discern the need to persevere versus God closing a door you keep trying to go through? One of my favorite Far Side cartoons is of a bespectacled young boy trying to enter the door to his school. He’s pushing, but the sign on the door says to pull. Above the door is a sign that says “School for the Academically Talented and Gifted.”
No matter how spiritually connected a person is there will be a constant discernment struggle about whether he is to keep on keeping on…trusting in God…persevering in the faith…and seeing that the door is closed.
I know I’ve confused those two a number of times over the years. The temptation to persevere gets easily attached to something that offers more prestige, more power, and more money. Closed doors are often in the background of decisions that offer no enhancing of my resume. Inconvenience gets viewed as a sign that God is saying “No!”
Going back to “sin in my life”, I recognize that the distance I put between myself and God because of my desire to be in control also causes a blurred vision of what I am being called to do or not do.
In my life recently I’ve had several situations where discernment has been needed. I wish I could say that I’ve nailed it every time, but there have been a few times where I’ve been pushing on the door when the sign says “Pull!” Quite frankly, when I’ve stepped back and finally seen what the sign says I turn red in spiritual embarrassment!
Categories: Bible, children, Christianity, Faith, Humor, Jesus, Pastor, Prayer, Story, The Church, Uncategorized, Youth
Tags: closed doors, Colorado Department of Education, discerning, discernment, Far Side, having faith, James 1:4, perseverance, persevering, Romans 5:3-4, substitute teaching
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February 28, 2016
WORDS FROM W.W. February 28, 2016
When you have been a pastor for over thirty-six years and then take that step to being a former pastor of thirty-six years…it feels strange…kind of like sleeping without my blanket. Let me emphasize THE blanket!
This morning I’m filling the pulpit at a little church in a small community about forty-five minutes from where we live. It will be the first time I’ve preached since January 17, and it will feel strange!
When you’ve preached for so long making that transition to “no longer preaching” is freeing in some ways, and bewildering in others. A few months ago I would deliver my Sunday morning message and then, after a Sunday afternoon nap, begin thinking of the message for the next Sunday. I planned Sunday worship themes well in advance, but putting the substance and flesh around the frame happened in the few days before. It became a routine, a routine that was challenging, but also helpful.
This morning I speak in a church that doesn’t use Power Point…so no slides to help make a point. That will be a change for me, kind of like going back to my seminary class on preaching.
I must admit that I have thoughts of insecurity running through my brain. It’s been six weeks! Do I still know how to deliver a sermon? Will this small gathering of farmers and good folk understand my humor? Will they be a tough crowd? Will they ask me to come back again?
And yet the thought of preaching in front of a new group of people is exciting! I’m anxious to hear some of their faith stories, to see how what I say this morning resonates with many of them.
I’m preaching on my favorite story from the Old Testament…David and Goliath. I asked the man from the church if there were any children? If so, I would do a children’s story. He told me “Well…there’s a couple! I’ll contact them to make sure they will be there.” A few days later he called me back to tell me that the family with the two kids would be there, and he added, “There may even be a third and fourth! They were pretty excited!”
So I’ll launch into the story of a shepherd boy with a sling, and talk about how God use what other people see as foolish to do something that can only be explained as being of God.
After the service I’m sure people will tell me how happy they were to have me come…I hope…and would I come back again?
I hope so! Two Sundays in a row would almost be a routine!
Categories: Bible, children, Christianity, Community, Faith, Humor, Jesus, Pastor, Prayer, Story, The Church, Uncategorized
Tags: community church, delivering a sermon, preach, Preaching, retired preacher, sermon, small town church, Sunday message, visiting preacher, Worship
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February 26, 2016
WORDS FROM W.W. February 26, 2016
“Reading Leviticus With Attention Deficit Disorder”
I’ve often thought I was ADD! Fidgety…restless…hard to stay focused. In seminary I would have to read my systematic theology books out loud to try to stay on track…and assist me in the understanding of what was being written about.
And now I’m about to finish reading through the book of Leviticus. It is an exercise in “literary rowing.” I’m like one of those oarsman who is trying to stay focused on the number of strokes he and his team are executing each minute. Row…row…row! The finish line is 3000 meters ahead…row…row…row!
Except I’m in Leviticus…”If someone has a swelling, he shall…if someone has a rash, he shall…if someone has a white spot, he shall…if someone has a skin disease, he shall…”
By the tenth skin condition I begin to itch! By the end of the second chapter about skin conditions and uncleanness I’m finding it difficult to continue with the literary rowing.
And then a couple of chapters later we get into sex! Actually, unlawful sexual relations. Read Leviticus 18. It’s a little disturbing to have to be told that you aren’t to have sex with your aunt…or your dad’s other wife.
Leviticus reads like one of those Apple product’s terms of agreement files that seem to go on forever. You know the ones I’m talking about…and at the end you’re to clip on the box that says you have read and agree to the terms. Who reads that stuff?
Leviticus is similar, but with the added spiritual element that convicts you to stay the course.
Why did God have to be so specific? Why was he so repetitious in his explanation of the expectations of his holy people, and what was not acceptable?
Two things occur to me! One is that the Israelites had a tendency to be ADD in their conduct. They seemed to be prone to forget what they were to be about and what they were to abstain from. They had short memories and shorter attention spans. Better explain it over and over again so they could finally hear it.
And second, the community of God’s people needed to be holy. Uncleanness, in any form, was to be atoned for or cast out. A community couldn’t be close to God and be marginal in how it was living.
Today I’ll finish the book! I’m sure God will say a few things he has already said once again just so that I will hear it. After Leviticus I’m going to go back and pick up one of my seminary systematic theology books and start reading to myself again…and nap!
Categories: Bible, Christianity, Community, Faith, Humor, Parenting, Pastor, Story, Teamwork, The Church, Uncategorized
Tags: ADD, attention deficit disorder, attention spans, God's law, laws, Leviticus, Moses, Old Testament, Old Testament Law, perseverance, theology
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February 15, 2016
WORDS FROM W.W. February 15, 2016
They had become a distant memory, like an old girlfriend who you now struggle to simply remember her name.
And then I decided to begin the process to be hired as a substitute teacher! Steps one through thirty were fine, but then came the part where the Colorado Department of Education wants copies of your college transcripts…ALL your college transcripts!
When I transferred to Judson College in Elgin, Illinois in the fall semester of 1974 I was teetering of the slippery edge of academic probation. One more unimpressive quarter at Miami of Ohio University meant I would be asked to take a little vacation. A singing group from Judson visited our church one Sunday in the summer of 1974 and a week later I was applying to be a transfer student at the small American Baptist-related institution. A man named Wendell “Press” Webster saw some potential in the student from Ironton, Ohio who had complied a GPA in his first college quarter of “.533!” That’s right! I didn’t put the decimal point in the wrong place…”.533!” From there it was all uphill for the next year and a half.
Let me say that I didn’t knock the professors dead at Judson with my academic excellence, but I did do okay, and graduated after two years.
All that had become ancient history to be told again after my death! But then there was the application process!
What’s that saying? The sins of the past will always come back to haunt you. I never thought that failing Latin would come back to haunt me, but it now has. The irony in the situation is that one of the classes I’ve been asked to substitute teach in is Latin! Gous figureus!
Don’t worry! I’m being approved to substitute, but the memories of that past failure…and failing grades…is once again fresh in my mind. Sometimes we pay for our times of stupidity over and over again. My stupidity took the form of cutting classes, trying half-heartedly on important assignments, not navigating the waters correctly of English Composition 101. Things I should have known better about, but thought I could slide by.
Forty-four years later I can now laugh with just a hint of embarrassment.
My absence of excellence and mass of ignorance in those past actions brings a new sense of appreciation for the grace of God. I realize that the God I serve looks at the screw-ups and pitiful efforts of my past and says that because I follow his Son those things, those bad marks, and failing experiences have been forgotten. I no longer need to bring them up for review as I go forward.
God accepts me even though my Latin is suspect. Amazingus magnus!
Categories: Bible, children, Christianity, Grace, Humor, Jesus, Parenting, Pastor, Story, Uncategorized, Youth
Tags: Academic Probation, Academics, bad grades, college classes, cutting classes, English Composition, English Composition 101, failing, flunking, flunking out, forgiven, half-hearted effort, Judson College, Latin, Press Webster, skipping class
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February 15, 2016
WORDS FROM W.W. February 14, 2016
I’m watching the NBA All-Star Game…and wondering why? It’s 145-136 at the end of the third quarter. The only consistency has been the allergies each player has towards defense. Bill Russell is crying as he watches the game. No…Bill Russell is almost asleep as the camera shows him at courtside. Defense doesn’t make for good prime-time TV. The MVP will not be voted on the basis of how many steals he makes. There have been no shot clock violations.
As I watch the jog-and-gun display I can’t help but draw the comparisons between this hyped-showtime event and what many of us do in worship at church each weekend. There’s a lot of going through the motions, minimal passion, and a disdain for patience and perseverance.
There’s something not right with it, and yet we accept it as the way it is. Some Sundays church attenders resemble the YMCA pick-up basketball players…a willingness to shoot and and little else. A spiritual form of “it’s all about me.”
(Russell Westbrook just tried to pass to himself!)
The game is over…finally! 196-173! Russell Westbrook is voted the MVP. I guess if you can pass to yourself you must be the chosen one!
Categories: Bible, Christianity, Humor, Jesus, Pastor, Story, Teamwork, The Church, Uncategorized, Youth
Tags: all-star game, Basketball, Bill Russell, defense, NBA All-Star game, perseverance, Russell Westbrook, Sunday church
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February 10, 2016
WORDS FROM W.W. February 10, 2016
On Monday I sat in on two different junior high math classes. As I’m gearing up to be a substitute teacher I wanted to experience another classroom situation, and also to revisit the subject that I had difficulty with back when Moby Dick was a minnow. I was great with numbers…and then some wise guy started including letters into the problem. I got lost in the midst of “x’s” and “y’s”. If you asked me how much 45 times 20 was I could tell you faster than an adding machine, but put a letter into the mix and I floundered like a fish flopping in the bottom of the boat.
But I went willingly to this classroom of formulas and adolescent confusion, and I learned several things. One, that I actually understood part of the lessons, and enjoyed it…kind of!
Two, that junior high boys haven’t changed since 1968! Oh, they have fancier devices now, but at the core they are twins two generations removed from those who sat in the same classrooms.
Thirteen year old boys still make noises. When the teacher was on the other side of the room there was a good chance that a farting sound would come from somebody. One boy broke out in a humming sound until he was asked to keep it quiet. Pencils were used at various moments as drumsticks on desk tops. Fingers were snapped against open jaws to make popping sounds.
Junior high boys make noise!
Junior high girls ranged from totally quiet to “Chatty Cathy’s”, who would suddenly erupt in nonsensical comments. During a class time when students worked together on an assignment you could hear snippets of conversations about Super Bowl Dorito’s commercials, the half-time entertainment, and what was eaten that day for lunch.
Junior high boys still like attention. I identified the three boys in the first five minutes of the class whose social standing was based on their wisecracks and off-the-wall humor. They weren’t malicious…just in need of being noticed.
Junior high students are special. Several people asked me why I would observe in a classroom of 8th graders. Was I on some kind of probation and this was part of my sentencing? Did I not get that memo about how junior high boys cause hair-pulling and temporary instructor insanity?
Actually, I enjoy thirteen year olds just as much…maybe even more…than sixteen and seventeen year olds.
There you go! Now you know I’m warped!
Categories: children, Grandchildren, Humor, love, Parenting, Story, Teamwork, Uncategorized, Youth
Tags: 8th Grade class, Algebra, junior high boys, junior high girls, Math, math class, observing math class, school, school classroom, thirteen year olds
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February 5, 2016
WORDS FROM W.W. February 5, 2016
The eighteen inches of snow that we received this week was beautiful in many ways. Our back deck looks like a winter wonderland. Pike’s Peak is a living postcard!
The snow has also revealed many things..revelations, if you will, of some things we knew already, and some things that are fascinating.
Here’ one! A Jaguar gets just as stuck in eighteen inches of snow as a Ford Taurus. $600 a month car payments do not mean squat to a street with a foot and a half of snow on it. There is not a “premium lane” on our street. Snow is the great equalizer, unless you’re one of those big pick-up trucks.
Here’s another revelation! The first day when school is canceled there is great jubilation amongst students and teachers. Day Two is still greeted with cheering. Snow gear and apparel sits waiting by the door. But by Day Three of school cancellations parents are pulling their hair out, students are lounging on the couch in a semi-comatose state, and teachers are now thinking “We’ll be going to school in July!” When I left our high school gym last night after our basketball games and we were greeted by more snow falling the reaction of parents and students was “NO!”
The most revealing thing about our snow week, however, has been the diminishing value of the U.S. Postal Service. We received mail on Monday, but the mail carrier has not been by since…and today is Friday. What have we missed? The Wednesday advertising paper that has the supermarket weekly specials in it, probably a couple of envelopes from Chase Bank trying to get us to sign up for a new credit card, the weekly AARP ad, and perhaps the utility bill. I’m assuming that the mail might get delivered today, but the snowstorm has shown us that mail delivery is no longer a necessity six days a week. Maybe three!
I’m not moaning here. Our street hasn’t been plowed yet. Eighteen inches of snow have been mashed down to resemble the Iditarod. My nephew in Baltimore couldn’t get his dog to go outside to relieve himself when the East Coast got blasted a couple of weeks ago. I guess our mail carrier looked down our street with similar fear and trembling.
The best revelation from this week was seeing neighbors working together to clear sidewalks and snowplowing driveways. Our neighbor on the corner brought his snowblower all the way up the sidewalk to the house next for to us. Eric, the husband who lives there, is deployed right now. Our corner neighbor was looking out for his family. This morning two other men and I helped push a lady out of a slippery mesh at the corner. A couple of four-wheel drive trucks whizzed by us like we were the underprivileged, but the three of us helped her get out of an unfortunate situation. That’s the best thing about massive amounts of snow. In the midst of no mail delivery and snow cancellations we get the opportunity to experience community.
Categories: children, Christianity, Community, Humor, Parenting, Story, Teamwork, Uncategorized, Youth
Tags: helping neighbors, mail delivery, mail trucks, neighborhood, school cancellations, schools, snow day, snowblower, snowblowing, snowfall, snowstorms, U.S. Postal Service, USPS, winter, winter wonderland
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February 4, 2016
WORDS FROM W.W. February 4, 2016
A few years ago a retired Air Force colonel showed me the stack of mail on his dining room table. Colonel Keyte was a staunch conservative Republican who supported various organizations that trumpeted his beliefs. The stack of mail was pleas from foundations, freedom initiatives, gun rights groups, veteran’s causes, and people who sought to make the reader believe that our country was going to hell in a hand basket.
I remember the colonel looking at me and saying, “I’ve got to cut them off!” He had discovered that for every cause he had sent a financial contribution in support of two more heads seemed to appear. His stack was sixty deep.
“I’ve got to cut them off!”
I’ve discovered a similar truth every morning when I check my email. A while back I got on the mailing list of one conservative group, and it seems “that dog has had a litter of puppies.”
Every time I order something on Amazon I get a few follow-up emails suggesting I might now like this additional product. Those of you who know my addiction to books will recognize that disaster loomed.
This morning my “Delete” button eliminated emails for Christian t-shirts, helmet stickers for middle school football helmets, extended health care, affordable life insurance, LED TV’s on sale, lingerie, financial aide for college students, jeans, money management, mortgage relief, and, finally, that two people I know are looking for me!
I began unsubscribing this morning. It’s interesting how some email senders make it so easy to get off the list. Find the “unsubscribe” button, click it, and a message immediately comes up that says you’ve been freed…my interpretation!
Others, however, are like a whining child who won’t stop asking for a cookie. “Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Do you want to unsubscribe just for a few days? Is there a reason you want to unsubscribe? Please consider not doing it!”
Good Lord! It reminded me when I was pastoring in Michigan and we found out there were two people who were still members of the church, but were dead! They had been dead for years, but were still members!
This morning I hit the right button multiple times! It was awesome! And just in time before the political season really heats up!
Just a thought! Perhaps Best Buy should reassign some of the people who keep sending me emails about sales going on to actually being IN THE STORE! What a concept to have someone in the store who can help you!
Colonel Keyte would be proud of me!
Categories: children, Freedom, Humor, Nation, Story, Uncategorized, Youth
Tags: Amazon, Best Buy, delete, email ads, email overload, emails, political ads, spam, unsubscribing
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Words from WW Blog 