Questions An Old Man Mutters To Himself

WORDS FROM W.W.                                                                       June 29, 2015

                          

People say I’m not old, but I bet if I went to a swing dance party no one under fifty would be hoping I’d ask them for a dance. I’m married anyway, and I’m not sure what “swing dance” means. “Swing” is something my four year old granddaughter asks me to give her a push with.

So a lot of people humor me with sympathetic looks attached to words like, “Ohhh…you’re not old!”

Actually I’m two-thirds gone! And that’s if I live to 92!

So now I’m in the muttering stages of  my life. I mutter to myself! I mutter questions to myself that don’t need to be answered.

Why can’t the newspaper delivery person hit the driveway with the morning toss? How can they hit the pile of snow that’s about three feet wide with the paper, but miss the thirty foot stretch of concrete? Of course, the yearly renewal notice comes in May…after I’ve forgotten about those frustrations!

Why do people pay fifty bucks to get dirty running a 5K race? Back in college we went out in front of the dorm and played football in the mud…for free! Why do people pay fifty dollars to get color thrown on them? I can lay down on the deck and have my grandchildren use me for a marking board…once again, for free!

Why does my bedtime seem to get earlier and earlier…and yet as soon as I lay my head on the pillow I’m wide awake?

Why do people in sporty cars with tinted windows think other cars are like orange cones on a race course? Strictly there to weave in and out of!

Why does my next door neighbor’s barbecuing smell so tantalizing, but I can’t seem to make any kind of meat smell good? Why doesn’t my next-door neighbor realize how unfair his cooking aromas are for the rest of us?

Why do people rush to get on a plane? If I’m sitting in 22A does it matter if I get on the plane in the first batch or the last? Speaking of planes, why can’t we have the little bags of pretzels again? Why do the airlines give coffee in 6 ounce cups but Coke in a 12 ounce can? What’s up with that?

Why are my toes so ugly? My feet look like they went through six hours of prep and make-up for a horror movie! It looks like I have painted toenails distributed unequally amongst my ten toes.

Why do my ears look like they have crabgrass growing out of them? Good Lord! I’m thinking about sprinkling them with Weed-B-Gone!

Why do dogs seem to think 11 p.m. and 6 a.m. are appropriate times to start barking? That causes me to mutter to myself while I’m still lying in bed…still trying to sleep! But, of course, that 6 a.m. bark alarm wakes up my bladder…and it ain’t going back to sleep!

Oh! And here’s one more that I’m still muttering about! I got one of those print-out coupons at King Soopers that said I could get a free…I say it again…free Starbucks “Refreshers” drink that comes in a can. So I went looking for my free can…and guess what? They don’t have it! The store employee who was very gracious and kind wasn’t even sure they carried it! Wait a minute! I have a coupon for a free one, but they don’t carry it!

Would that cause you to mutter to yourself?

 

Explore posts in the same categories: Death, Humor, Story, Uncategorized, Youth

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