Former Student Confessions

Dear Ms. Smithers,

I don’t know if you remember me or not. After all, it’s been twenty years since I was in your 8th Grade Social Studies class. Yes, that’s right! Twenty years! I just had my 34th birthday and my son is in 8th grade this year.

Well, anyway…going through a year parenting an eighth-grader has brought back some memories of my time in your classroom, and some of the things that I did, and didn’t do, when I was being a pain in your class.

Yes, that’s right, a pain! I guess I never really thought of it that way until I received an email from my son’s social studies teacher requesting a conference with my wife, me, and our son. Then it came back to me, the many ways I made you grind your teeth back in the day.

So…I guess, I want to confess my wrongdoings and make sure you know you were right and were a great teacher and all that. First of all, I was the one who glued thumbtacks to your chair. I know, I know, you thought it was Tommy Tipton because you always thought it was Tommy Tipton who would do things like that. I feel bad about his three-day suspension and having to help clean the cafeteria every day for the rest of the school year after that. That’s why I’m confessing about it now. And I really feel bad about the painful scream you gave when you sat down. I laughed when it happened, but if it makes you feel any better, I can hear that scream in my sleep. You must have just six feet in the air, like one of those circus people being shot out of a cannon.

Then there was the exam that I stole from your desk, copied, and put back before you knew it was missing. I remember how impressed you were with the 97% I received. I intentionally missed a couple of questions just to look like I was still human. Only Charley Baker ever got a perfect paper because he was a brainiac who talked in some intellectual language that no one understood.

I should probably confess another thing that I’m sorry about. It was me who started the rumor about you and Mr. Jacobs, the custodian, and how you two would rendezvous in the basement boiler room, and how the noise that we thought the pipes were making wasn’t really from the pipes. Yes, I was not a nice boy back in those days, but I’m really sorry now.

If it makes you feel any better, the pranks and disturbances my son has been doing this year have been thought up completely on his own. He’s an original, not a chip off the old block. Putting Super Glue on the bottom of his teacher’s laptop mouse and attaching it to the desk…that was his own idea! Shooting spit wads at George Washington’s picture at the front of the classroom…well, I guess he learned that from me! But I’m really sorry! Taking a permanent marker and making it look like George only had one tooth, that was strictly his own creative mind.

Kids will be kids, you know! Anyway, thanks for being such a great teacher. Have a great day!

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